


if you wanted a lover

by singmyheart (orphan_account)



Category: Marvel, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, M/M, Songfic, jesus christ i'm sorry, this is not a happy fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-13
Updated: 2013-06-13
Packaged: 2017-12-14 20:17:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/840953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/singmyheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>bucky and steve's relationship in stages. based on amanda palmer's incomparably beautiful "bed song".</p>
            </blockquote>





	if you wanted a lover

**Author's Note:**

> had this kicking around for a while - i tried it with a tony/pepper fic a while back but i'm happier with this one. 
> 
> well, i say "happier", this fic is soul-crushingly sad. at least writing it was. also available on [my tumblr.](http://rogersbutt.tumblr.com/post/52841930483/fic-if-you-wanted-a-lover-bucky-steve)
> 
>  
> 
> [this song and video are unbelievably stunning and you need them in your life.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sW4dwXXX7Q)

i.

when they meet it is at a party  
at a college that neither of them go to  
steve tells bucky that he is an artist because  
that always works  
but bucky doesn’t ask steve to draw him sometime  
doesn’t follow the script (not  
for the last time)  
just grins sideways and asks if that usually works for him  
laughs when steve admits that it does

when they fall asleep without having even kissed  
it is in an unfamiliar sleeping bag  
bodies spilled together a little awkwardly, unfamiliar limbs  
and planes of skin   
to the sounds of music with too much bass and breaking glass  
and in the morning when everything is a little brighter  
steve awakes to the susurrus of socked feet on carpet  
bucky, sneakers in hand, just smiles sheepishly, caught  
and lets steve take him out for awkward coffee in apology  
and later when bucky catches his bus he has  
steve’s number in his phone and a damp spot on his cheek  
from where steve’s mouth had touched it

 

ii.

after a million coffee dates and apologies and  
nights sleeping in spaces too small for two  
they rent a shitty apartment in brooklyn  
it’s still too small but it’s theirs  
their downstairs neigbor can hear them fuck  
through the floor  
but she never says anything when they run into her  
in the elevator  
just asks how they’re doing  
and steve wants to tell her the millionth monday in a row

that one of the coffees in his hand will go cold before it  
can be drunk and that the only sound she’ll hear from  
their place tonight is buck getting into bed  
as quietly as possible so he doesn’t wake steve  
and in the morning she won’t have to hear  
the sounds of buck waking him up with  
a morning blow job because that’s rare for them  
these days  
 _so, yeah, that’s how we’re doing  
_ but instead he just says “fine”

gets off four floors early and walks  
the rest of the way

iii.

when they can afford it  
and not a second before  
they get a bigger place  
with a bigger shower and a bigger tv and  
a bigger bed

steve calls from [work](http://rogersbutt.tumblr.com/post/52841930483/fic-if-you-wanted-a-lover-bucky-steve) to let bucky know that  
the [mattress](http://rogersbutt.tumblr.com/post/52841930483/fic-if-you-wanted-a-lover-bucky-steve) guys will be coming that day and  
bucky lets it go to voicemail  
because he knows he won’t hear  
 _love you, punk_ before steve hangs up  
and that night he lies awake in his unfamiliar bed next to  
his unfamiliar steve and stares at the ceiling  
and wonders how they got here and when  
did they get so old and when  
did he start being able to fall asleep  
without steve’s arm thrown across his stomach

iv.   
after bucky’s first heart attack  
steve starts getting these migraines  
has to stop sketching in bed at night when  
even the light of his little bedside lamp is too much  
and his hands start to shake  
and god bless new york because he’s never been able  
to fall asleep without noise  
which the city gladly provides even as the quiet settles  
over their bedroom  
their lives  
and in the mornings it’s the sound  
of bucky’s pills rattling in their bottle and the slow  
drag of his [body](http://rogersbutt.tumblr.com/post/52841930483/fic-if-you-wanted-a-lover-bucky-steve) toward the bathroom   
that wakes him

v.  
after bucky’s second heart attack  
steve’s migraines are worse but because he has to  
he puts on his suit and stoically accepts the flowers  
and the condolences  
comes home to his empty apartment  
and its deafening silence  
and sleeps on the other side of the bed

when he wakes up everything is white and  
he looks down at himself and  
he’s twenty-two again  
young and whole  
bucky holds out a hand that isn’t  
holding his sneakers and doesn’t shake, says  
 _well, look at you_  
when steve touches him his grip is strong  
and warm and sure  
 _you’re not so bad yourself, punk_


End file.
